Wow! I have to say that things are rolling downhill at quite a pace. Ironic, funny, whatever or however you want to call it, but I met up with two good friends last night and it felt like there had been no hiatus of three years at all between us. So yesterday I was feeling great and today….holy shit….someone pissed off some of the fates and now they have their gaze set on me. I would prefer they didn’t, as I seem to be getting nothing but payback for some past discretion I am sure.
Now I know that asking your husband for a divorce and agreeing to still live in the same household in order to finish the renovations sounds absurd and for whatever reason, I thought I could handle it. I even swore that I wouldn’t hang around two particular friends again, without my husband being present, just to keep the peace.
Boy, I had no idea how much that decision would make me miserable. The three of us got along like a house on fire and we talked about pretty much anything and everything. I do regret the 3 years apart but what I regret the most is the way that I treated them. I didn’t show them the respect they deserved by properly explaining what was going on in the first place.
I showed them that I wasn’t a very good friend and for that I am ashamed of myself. I have always been one to try and treat others as I would like to be treated and I HATE it when someone treats me like crap when I deserve so much better. But I treated those two with disrespect and they did deserve so much better. They brought me up from a bad place and made me feel welcome and made me laugh! They listened to me whine (yes, I whined a couple of times) and they made me feel wanted. By wanted I don’t mean sexually, I mean that my friendship was important to them and that I was missed if I wasn’t around. That is what I mean.
I know they were missed by me when they were not around or I was not able to meet them etc. I have missed them for a long time. Quite a few times I wondered about stopping in to see them but I wasn’t sure what type of reception I would have received and to be honest, I was afraid to face the firing squad should they decide to be angry with me and let me know it. I would have deserved it, no doubts about that and I would not have tried to excuse my behaviour and would have taken my whooping without complaints…like I should have done three years ago.
When I got there, they hadn’t arrived yet and I was talking with another friend of mine about dogs and tattoos….two of my favourite subjects. J We talked for quite some time. Then one friend arrived, and then the other. None of us spoke for a while, but then I decided it was like ignoring the elephant in the room and I broke the ice. It was uncomfortable for a while but being the great guys that they are, I soon felt like I was at home. I ended up staying for a lot longer than I had anticipated but I am so glad I did. I won’t do to them again, what I had done 3 years ago. These are two fantastic guys that I would like to be close to again. I know it will take time, and I also know that I am going to have to earn what came to me last time so easily. They are worth it and I will do it.
When you feel more at home with friends than you do your husband, I would say things are not looking good for that marriage. Lol. Ah, hell. I laugh but it is not a funny laugh, but a dear gods, please release me from this hell kind of laugh. I haven’t changed my mind one little bit at all about the divorce; he seems to think that because things have been running along smooth, that all is ok. Geez!! The only reason things have been running smooth is because I have been keeping my mouth shut on all the stupid and idiotic things that have been driving me freaking crazy!
And I think what is sad is he has really been trying, legitimately lately, not just lip service. Unfortunately, that has come several years too late. I can’t do it. I have spent too many years being pushed down; being told that I must conform or change in some way. That I am not good enough just being me. Well enough! I am good enough just being me! But not for him…he wants someone different and that is fine, I can deal with that…I have come to terms with the fact that he and I are not good for each other in any way.
And I have to mention this, just because friends happen to be of the opposite sex, does not mean that there is anything sexual going on. I am tired of defending my friendships with other men to him when he has LOTS of friends who are women….and let me tell you that I know not all of them have been platonic over the years. But I am not going down that road. I am at a stage in my life that I don’t want to go from one dick to another, but I treasure the friendship more than anything else.
But now I am stuck with a house that is partially renovated and me wanting out desperately. This is my punishment and cross to bear I fear for some evil I did, knowingly or not. I will get through it….eventually and will probably have a scar or two to show for it, but I will survive this. Oh dear lords, let me survive this. I have survived worse, I know I can make it through this….I would just like to survive with my sanity intact. A few of you are asking what sanity…..thank you…I do have a little….I swear I do. 😉
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