Regrets

Wow!  I have to say that things are rolling downhill at quite a pace.  Ironic, funny, whatever or however you want to call it, but I met up with two good friends last night and it felt like there had been no hiatus of three years at all between us.  So yesterday I was feeling great and today….holy shit….someone pissed off some of the fates and now they have their gaze set on me.  I would prefer they didn’t, as I seem to be getting nothing but payback for some past discretion I am sure.

Now I know that asking your husband for a divorce and agreeing to still live in the same household in order to finish the renovations sounds absurd and for whatever reason, I thought I could handle it.  I even swore that I wouldn’t hang around two particular friends again, without my husband being present, just to keep the peace.

Boy, I had no idea how much that decision would make me miserable.  The three of us got along like a house on fire and we talked about pretty much anything and everything.  I do regret the 3 years apart but what I regret the most is the way that I treated them.  I didn’t show them the respect they deserved by properly explaining what was going on in the first place.

I showed them that I wasn’t a very good friend and for that I am ashamed of myself.  I have always been one to try and treat others as I would like to be treated and I HATE it when someone treats me like crap when I deserve so much better.  But I treated those two with disrespect and they did deserve so much better.  They brought me up from a bad place and made me feel welcome and made me laugh!  They listened to me whine (yes, I whined a couple of times) and they made me feel wanted.  By wanted I don’t mean sexually, I mean that my friendship was important to them and that I was missed if I wasn’t around.  That is what I mean.

I know they were missed by me when they were not around or I was not able to meet them etc.  I have missed them for a long time.  Quite a few times I wondered about stopping in to see them but I wasn’t sure what type of reception I would have received and to be honest, I was afraid to face the firing squad should they decide to be angry with me and let me know it.  I would have deserved it, no doubts about that and I would not have tried to excuse my behaviour and would have taken my whooping without complaints…like I should have done three years ago.

When I got there, they hadn’t arrived yet and I was talking with another friend of mine about dogs and tattoos….two of my favourite subjects.  J  We talked for quite some time.  Then one friend arrived, and then the other.  None of us spoke for a while, but then I decided it was like ignoring the elephant in the room and I broke the ice.  It was uncomfortable for a while but being the great guys that they are, I soon felt like I was at home.  I ended up staying for a lot longer than I had anticipated but I am so glad I did.  I won’t do to them again, what I had done 3 years ago.  These are two fantastic guys that I would like to be close to again.  I know it will take time, and I also know that I am going to have to earn what came to me last time so easily.  They are worth it and I will do it.

When you feel more at home with friends than you do your husband, I would say things are not looking good for that marriage.  Lol.  Ah, hell.  I laugh but it is not a funny laugh, but a dear gods, please release me from this hell kind of laugh.  I haven’t changed my mind one little bit at all about the divorce; he seems to think that because things have been running along smooth, that all is ok.  Geez!!  The only reason things have been running smooth is because I have been keeping my mouth shut on all the stupid and idiotic things that have been driving me freaking crazy!

And I think what is sad is he has really been trying, legitimately lately, not just lip service.  Unfortunately, that has come several years too late.  I can’t do it.  I have spent too many years being pushed down; being told that I must conform or change in some way.  That I am not good enough just being me.  Well enough!  I am good enough just being me!  But not for him…he wants someone different and that is fine, I can deal with that…I have come to terms with the fact that he and I are not good for each other in any way. 

And I have to mention this, just because friends happen to be of the opposite sex, does not mean that there is anything sexual going on.  I am tired of defending my friendships with other men to him when he has LOTS of friends who are women….and let me tell you that I know not all of them have been platonic over the years.  But I am not going down that road.  I am at a stage in my life that I don’t want to go from one dick to another, but I treasure the friendship more than anything else.

But now I am stuck with a house that is partially renovated and me wanting out desperately.  This is my punishment and cross to bear I fear for some evil I did, knowingly or not.  I will get through it….eventually and will probably have a scar or two to show for it, but I will survive this.  Oh dear lords, let me survive this.  I have survived worse, I know I can make it through this….I would just like to survive with my sanity intact.  A few of you are asking what sanity…..thank you…I do have a little….I swear I do.  😉

 

 

 

 

Copyright © 2012 Sandy Allen/Shadowlands/FireAndIce Reg’d Doberman Pinschers & Alaskan Malamutes/Unleashthehounds blog/Unleash the Hounds Grooming Spa & Training Center/ Sandysvoicebox blog.   All rights reserved. Revised: ALL PICTURES AND CONTENT ON THIS BLOG ~ UNLEASHTHEHOUNDS/SANDYSVOICEBOX ~ ARE THE SOLE PROPERTY OF Sandy Allen/Shadowlands/FireAndIce Reg’d Dobermans and Alaskan Malamutes/Unleash the Hounds Grooming Spa & Training Center/Sandysvoicebox, and may not be used, copied or reprinted without express permission from the owner. Copyrighted 2012

 

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